Couples Communication

Bible Teaching: Overcoming Communication Difficulties in Christian Marriage

Introduction
Communication is the lifeblood of any marriage, and for Christian couples, it’s a sacred tool to reflect God’s love, unity, and purpose. However, communication difficulties—misunderstandings, assumptions, or emotional barriers—can strain even the most devoted relationships. The Bible provides timeless wisdom to navigate these challenges, offering principles and practical solutions rooted in love, humility, and faith.

This teaching explores common communication struggles in Christian marriage and provides biblically grounded solutions to foster understanding, unity, and spiritual growth.

1. The Biblical Foundation for Communication in Marriage

• God’s Design for Unity
  • Genesis 2:24 (ESV): “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Why get married anyway? https://youtu.be/jAMOa4IrPNA?si=FhyM81L68nGFi2d7
  • Marriage reflects God’s desire for oneness, and communication is the bridge to that unity. Poor communication creates division, while godly communication builds connection.
  • Ephesians 5:25-33 calls husbands and wives to love and respect each other, modeling Christ’s relationship with the Church. Effective communication is essential to fulfilling this calling.
• The Power of Words
  • Proverbs 18:21 (ESV): “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
  • Words can build up or tear down. In marriage, our speech should reflect Christ’s love, encouraging and edifying our spouse.
  • James 1:19 (ESV): “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
  • Listening attentively and speaking thoughtfully are biblical mandates that prevent communication breakdowns.

1. Common Communication Difficulties in Christian Marriage

• Failure to Listen Actively
  • Many couples struggle to truly hear each other. Distractions, assumptions, or emotional reactions can hinder understanding.
  • Example: One spouse may feel unheard if the other interrupts or dismisses their concerns, leading to frustration or resentment.
• Harsh or Uncontrolled Words
  • Ephesians 4:29 (ESV): “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
  • Harsh words, sarcasm, or criticism can wound a spouse’s heart, creating emotional distance.
• Unresolved Conflict
  • Unaddressed issues can fester, leading to bitterness or withdrawal. Matthew 5:23-24 urges reconciliation before worship, emphasizing the priority of resolving conflict.
  • Example: Avoiding tough conversations about finances or parenting can lead to recurring arguments.
• Assumptions and Misunderstandings
  • Couples may assume they know their spouse’s thoughts or intentions, leading to miscommunication.
  • 1 Corinthians 13:7 (ESV): “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Love assumes the best, not the worst.
• Spiritual Disconnect
  • When couples neglect shared spiritual practices like prayer or Bible study, communication often suffers. A lack of spiritual unity can weaken emotional and verbal connection.
  • Amos 3:3 (ESV): “Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?” Spiritual alignment fosters better communication.

III. Biblical Solutions for Communication Challenges

• Practice Active Listening
  • Scripture: James 1:19 – Be quick to hear and slow to speak.
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  • Application: Listen to understand, not to respond. Set aside distractions (e.g., phones), maintain eye contact, and reflect back what your spouse says to ensure clarity.
  • Practical Tip: Try the “mirroring” technique: Repeat what your spouse says in your own words (e.g., “What I hear you saying is…”). This shows you value their perspective.
• Speak with Love and Grace
  • Scripture: Colossians 4:6 (ESV): “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
  • Eph 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
  • Application: Choose words that build up rather than tear down. Avoid blame, sarcasm, or yelling, and instead express needs or concerns with kindness.
  • Practical Tip: Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”). This reduces defensiveness and invites dialogue.
• Resolve Conflict Promptly and Biblically
  • Scripture: Ephesians 4:26-27 (ESV): “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
  • Application: Address issues quickly to prevent resentment. Approach conflict with humility, seeking forgiveness and reconciliation.
  • Practical Tip: Set a time to discuss issues calmly, praying together first to invite God’s guidance. Agree on ground rules, like no interrupting.
• Assume the Best and Clarify Intentions
  • Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:7 – Love believes all things.
  • Application: Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If something feels unclear or hurtful, ask for clarification rather than assuming ill intent.
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  • Practical Tip: Ask open-ended questions like, “Can you help me understand what you meant by…?” This fosters understanding and prevents escalation.
• Cultivate Spiritual Unity
  • Scripture: Matthew 18:20 (ESV): “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
  • Application: Pray together, study Scripture, and worship as a couple. Shared faith strengthens communication by aligning your hearts with God’s purpose.
  • Practical Tip: Commit to a weekly “spiritual check-in” where you pray, discuss a Bible verse, or share how God is working in your lives.
• Seek Godly Counsel When Needed
  • Scripture: Proverbs 15:22 (ESV): “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.”
  • Application: If communication struggles persist, seek guidance from a pastor, Christian counselor, or mature Christian couple.
  • Practical Tip: Look for counselors or mentors who uphold biblical values and have experience in marriage ministry.

1. The Role of the Holy Spirit in Communication

• Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV): The fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—equips couples to communicate in ways that honor God
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• Rely on the Holy Spirit through prayer to guide your words, soften your heart, and grant wisdom in difficult conversations.
• Example: Before a tough discussion, pray, “Lord, fill us with Your Spirit so our words reflect Your love and truth.”

1. Practical Steps for Christian Couples

• Daily Communication Check-In: Spend 10-15 minutes each day sharing highs, lows, and needs. This builds trust and prevents issues from piling up.
• Scripture Memory: Memorize verses like Ephesians 4:29 or James 1:19 as reminders to communicate with grace.
• Forgiveness and Grace: Regularly forgive each other (Colossians 3:13) and extend grace, remembering that both spouses are imperfect.
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• Fun and Connection: Balance serious talks with lighthearted moments. Laughter and shared activities strengthen emotional bonds, making communication easier.
• Accountability: Share your communication goals with a trusted Christian friend or mentor to stay accountable.

Conclusion
Communication in Christian marriage is a sacred opportunity to reflect Christ’s love and build a relationship that glorifies God. While difficulties like poor listening, harsh words, or unresolved conflict can challenge couples, the Bible offers clear guidance: listen actively, speak with grace, resolve conflicts promptly, assume the best, and stay spiritually connected. By relying on God’s Word and the Holy Spirit, couples can transform communication struggles into opportunities for growth, unity, and deeper intimacy. Let your marriage be a testimony of God’s redeeming love, where words are used to bless, heal, and unite.

Closing Prayer
Heavenly Father, we thank You for the gift of marriage and the call to love one another as Christ loves the Church. Grant us wisdom to communicate with love, humility, and grace. Fill us with Your Holy Spirit, guiding our words and softening our hearts. Help us to listen well, forgive quickly, and seek Your will in all we say and do. May our marriages reflect Your glory and draw us closer to You and each other. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Discussion Questions for Couples or Small Groups

• Which communication difficulty (e.g., listening, harsh words, conflict) do you most relate to, and how can you apply a biblical principle to address it?
• How can praying or studying Scripture together strengthen your communication as a couple?
• What practical step can you take this week to improve communication with your spouse?

This teaching is grounded in Scripture and designed to be practical for Christian couples seeking to honor God in their marriage. If you’d like a deeper dive into specific verses, examples, or applications, let me know!

Explore forgiveness strategies

Biblical conflict resolution

In the context of communication, especially in Christian marriage, the difference between what is said and what is heard highlights a common source of misunderstanding that can create tension or conflict. This distinction arises from the interplay of intentions, words, emotions, and perceptions. Below is an explanation grounded in biblical principles and practical insights, tailored to the marriage context.

What Is Said

• Definition: “What is said” refers to the actual words spoken by one spouse, along with their intended meaning. It’s the message the speaker believes they are conveying, driven by their thoughts, emotions, and purpose.
• Example: A husband might say, “I’m really tired tonight,” intending to express a need for rest and understanding after a long day.
• Biblical Context: Proverbs 18:21 (ESV) reminds us that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” The speaker’s words carry weight, and Scripture calls us to choose them carefully (Ephesians 4:29). However, even well-intentioned words can be misunderstood.

What Is Heard

• Definition: “What is heard” is the message the listener perceives, filtered through their emotions, past experiences, assumptions, and current context. It may differ significantly from the speaker’s intent due to these filters.
• Example: The wife might hear the husband’s statement, “I’m really tired tonight,” as, “I don’t want to spend time with you,” interpreting it as rejection or disinterest.
• Biblical Context: James 1:19 (ESV) urges us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Active listening requires humility and a willingness to seek clarity, as love “believes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7), assuming the best rather than jumping to conclusions.

Key Differences and Why They Occur

• Emotional Filters
  • Emotions like stress, insecurity, or past hurts can distort how a message is received. For example, if a wife feels neglected, she might hear criticism in her husband’s neutral comment, “You didn’t do the dishes,” when he simply meant to point out a fact.
  • Solution: Practice self-awareness and pray for emotional healing (Psalm 139:23-24). Ask, “Am I hearing this through a lens of hurt or fear?” before responding.
• Assumptions and Expectations
  • Spouses often assume they know the other’s intentions, leading to misinterpretation. If a husband expects his wife to always handle certain tasks, her comment, “I need help with chores,” might be heard as nagging rather than a genuine request.
  • Solution: Clarify intentions by asking open-ended questions, like, “What did you mean by that?” This aligns with 1 Corinthians 13:7, which encourages assuming the best.
• Tone and Nonverbal Cues
  • How something is said (tone, body language, facial expression) can overshadow the words themselves. A sarcastic tone or crossed arms can make “I love you” feel insincere.
  • Solution: Colossians 4:6 calls for gracious speech. Be mindful of tone and body language, ensuring they align with your message. If you’re the listener, gently ask for clarification if the tone feels off.
• Context and Timing
  • The setting or timing of a conversation affects how words are received. A spouse distracted by work or kids might misinterpret a comment because they’re not fully present.
  • Solution: Ecclesiastes 3:7 reminds us there’s “a time to speak.” Choose appropriate moments for important discussions, and ensure both spouses are ready to engage.
• Spiritual and Cultural Influences
  • Differing spiritual maturity or cultural backgrounds can shape how words are interpreted. For example, a spouse from a reserved culture might hear direct feedback as harsh, while the other sees it as honest.
  • Solution: Philippians 2:3-4 encourages humility and considering the other’s perspective. Shared prayer and Scripture study can align your hearts and reduce misunderstandings.

Biblical Example: Miscommunication in Marriage

Consider the story of Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 16). When Sarah suggested Abraham sleep with Hagar to produce an heir, her words were clear, but the underlying emotions (desperation, insecurity) and Abraham’s response (compliance without discussion) led to conflict and pain. What Sarah said (“Take my servant”) was not fully aligned with what Abraham heard or the consequences they both experienced. This highlights the need for clarity, mutual understanding, and seeking God’s guidance in communication.

Lets read a few Scriptures together:

The phrase “hearing you will not hear” (or variations like “they have ears but do not hear”) is found in several places in the Bible, often expressing the idea that people hear God’s message but do not understand or respond to it. Below is a list of key Bible verses that reflect this concept:

Isaiah 6:9-10 (ESV)

And he said, “Go, and say to this people: ‘Keep on hearing, but do not understand; keep on seeing, but do not perceive.’ Make the heart of this people dull, and their ears heavy, and blind their eyes…”

This is the foundational prophecy that is quoted multiple times in the New Testament.

Jeremiah 5:21 (ESV)

“Hear this, O foolish and senseless people, who have eyes, but see not, who have ears, but hear not.”

Ezekiel 12:2 (ESV)

“Son of man, you dwell in the midst of a rebellious house, who have eyes to see, but see not, who have ears to hear, but hear not, for they are a rebellious house.”

Matthew 13:13-15 (ESV)

(Quoting Isaiah 6)

“This is why I speak to them in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand… For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed…”

Mark 4:12 (ESV)

(Also quoting Isaiah 6)

“…so that ‘they may indeed see but not perceive, and may indeed hear but not understand, lest they should turn and be forgiven.’”

Luke 8:10 (ESV)

“To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of God, but for others they are in parables, so that ‘seeing they may not see, and hearing they may not understand.’”

John 12:39-40 (ESV)

(Another reference to Isaiah)

“Therefore they could not believe. For again Isaiah said, ‘He has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, lest they see with their eyes, and understand with their heart, and turn, and I would heal them.’”

Acts 28:26-27 (ESV)

“Go to this people, and say, ‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive…’”

Romans 11:8 (ESV)

“…God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes that would not see and ears that would not hear, down to this very day.”

O God, open our eyes:

• 2 Kings 6:17-20:

Elisha prays, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see,” and the Lord does, revealing a miraculous army surrounding Elisha. This passage illustrates God’s power to reveal hidden realities and encourage faith.

• Acts 26:18:

This verse, spoken by Paul, describes God opening eyes to see the spiritual truth, turning people from darkness to light, and from Satan’s power to God. It emphasizes the need for spiritual enlightenment and conversion.

 

Since we are NOT the Holy Spirit, with the ability to change another person, we must humble ourselves before the throne of God and pray for people who presently cannot yet see truth.

Read with me: Phil 2:13 For it is God who works in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. … For the One working in you is God—both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

 

Over the years, I have learned that the best way to pray (other than in tongues, in the Holy Spirit), is by taking these Holy Spirit inspired prayers from the Bible, and personalizing them. Initially, I simply prayed them for myself and my family, but now, as I name many, many people, places and ministries before the throne of God each day, I am praying them for many, many others. Today, as I pray these, I am praying, and sharing them with you…

Eph 1:16  Cease not to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers;

17  That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:

18  The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,

19  And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us–ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,

20  Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places,

21  Far above all principality, and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this world, but also in that which is to come

Eph 3: 14 ¶  For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

15  Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,

16  That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;

17  That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

18  May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;

19  And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

20  Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

21  Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.